We are social creatures – of that there is absolutely no doubt. Anybody who has lived at least 50 years on this planet will have understood that its absolutely essential to be in a relationship to maintain good emotional and physical health.
Indeed, there’s plenty of evidence that being in relationship actually helps people live longer and suffer lower levels illness and disease. It would seem that we are actually designed to be social creatures – which is hardly surprising, when you think about our ancestry – all of the great apes are extremely social, depend on relationships in the tribe for successful defense against competing bands of apes, gathering food, and successful raising of offspring.
Video on the benefits of relationship
In this situation, it’s hardly surprising that when a relationship breaks up people experience such high levels of anxiety, depression, worthlessness and fear! These are all common responses to the breakup of a relationship, although its also equally common for people to experience anger and depression.
This in turn explains why its so important to most people to keep a relationship going even when that relationship appears to have gone beyond its sell by date – although, in fact, relationships can almost always be sustained, and there are very good arguments for making sure that you do put the maximum amount of effort into sustaining a relationship even when it appears that divorce or separation is inevitable – particularly if you have children. I’m not trying to proselytise on behalf of lifelong faithfulness, just trying to point out that there are benefits to relationships which affect every aspect of your life, socially, physically, emotionally and probably even spiritually.
(So I do strongly recommend that you seriously consider how you might stay together with your partner rather than how you might breakup.)
If you’re already in the throes of a breakup, then you might want information about reconnecting with your partner, because most people who breakup from a long-term relationship – and some who breakup from a short term relationship – often feel they’ve made the most appalling mistake, and want to get back with their partner as soon as possible.
In general, what we find as relationship therapists is that people breakup because they can’t communicate effectively: that, and the fact that the issues which arose in their childhoods, and which to haunt them to this day, are still uppermost in their minds.
Learn how to reconnect with your ex partner
Remember we’re talking here about a context here in which its people find they have separated and that the separation makes them feel worse in every way, physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
There are many clear advantages to be gained from being (or staying) in relationship, and it’s no wonder that people desperately seek out such a situation in life. As social creatures were all programmed to be in relationship, not just for the emotional and physical relief we get from sexual pleasure, but also from the interaction of ideas, from the support and emotional well-being that comes from having a partner to talk to about our difficulties and problems, and also, inevitably, from the fact that we need to communicate to maintain our social status.
In situations like this, breaking up can be very hard to do – indeed, deleterious to health in every way. Advice about staying together can be obtained very easily from all sorts of places on the Internet, but the guy who is probably the paragon of these things is called Mike Fiore.
He’s a man who’s spent many years working on the Internet and produced all kinds of relationship programs which help people both get together and stay together. For example, he has written several programs which have sold extremely well – for example, Text Your Ex Back, which is all about how to get your ex boyfriend or your ex girlfriend back after a breakup. Claire Casey has written plenty of information about how a woman can capture a man’s heart, and “make him love you forever”. You can see more about that here.
Because this information is fairly cheap, and because there is substantial amount of information that can be extremely useful in all of these programs, I would suggest you take advantage of them. Indeed, if you think you need help in forming a relationship, making a man love you, or finding happiness within a relationship, then I think the first step that you should take is to look at these information programs. As I said above they do contain some valuable information.
It’s an open question of course whether or not the idea that you can make somebody love you by engaging in manipulative strategies is a good way to sustain an ongoing relationship.
But I think Mike Fiore and Claire Casey would rightly deny that their programs were based on manipulative strategies. In fact, they’re based on sound psychology and on the principles of relationships which have been developed over time. Where things go wrong, I suspect is in the blind faith of the people who buy them, perhaps expecting an instant solution without putting the time and effort involved in that is needed to sustain any relationship over a long period of time. This involves meeting, getting to know, and developing a deeper love with your partner.
In short, if you’re a woman looking for a relationship with a man, and you really crave the deep love and connection that can come from a romantic relationship, then by all means start by buying these programs, and see where they take you. You can click here for one example of this.
My own view is that a relationship is much more likely to be successful if you start with the expectation that what is set out in e-books and audio and video recordings is a basis for liking somebody (not loving them).
You see, liking comes from a feeling of closeness and affection derived from a mutual understanding and a degree of empathy.
How easy is it to love a man whole-heartedly?
What’s essential, I think, in any process like this is that you seek to engage with somebody who has essentially the same values, beliefs and attitudes as yourself. Without that, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that (at least in the longer term) a relationship won’t survive.
In the short term, however, likeability and liking a much more tied into particular behaviours: empathising, reflective listening, paying attention, being fully present your partner, and indeed simple things like apologising when somebody’s upset.
You might think it extraordinary, but there is plenty of evidence which demonstrates very clearly indeed that simple apologies, offered to your partner even when you don’t believe you’ve done something wrong, can really make a big difference to a relationship’s chances of survival.
Another thing that’s important is maintaining a positive attitude to your partner. It turns out that when people offer less than five positive affirmations for every negative interaction in a relationship, the prospect of long-term survival of the relationship is really quite low.
What I think I take away from this is that there are simple things that you can do which are very helpful in sustaining a relationship. But in addition, you do need to do the deeper work to get rid of emotional baggage from the past.
And by the way, nowhere is this more true than in the field of sexual problems.
If either the man or the woman in a partnership has some issue with sex or some kind of sexual dysfunction, be it low sex drive, premature ejaculation or whatever, then it’s extremely important to attend to this, to find a therapist who is capable of dealing with it, and to get it sorted out.
The reason? When a couple are making love successfully in a relationship and in particular when the woman’s having regular orgasms, we know that the relationship will be much more stable and happy outside the bedroom than it will be if the sexual connection between the partners is failing or non-existent.
One of the big issues for all of us in our society is entering into a relationship which makes is happy – and which can be sustained over time.
One of the reasons we seem to have such difficulty with relationships – whether entering into them, staying in them, or leaving them – is that we aren’t taught by anyone, at any time in our lives, the things we need to know to deal with the emotions associated with a relationship effectively.
An obvious fact of life is that we all want to be in a good quality relationship, and we all want to have a partner we can love.
No wonder, perhaps, in a society where more than half of all marriages end in divorce! Yet one has to ask oneself whether or not the Internet is the best place to get relationship advice. It’s an unregulated field, naturally, and the people who offer e-books and information on how to have a good quality relationship generally don’t seem to be qualified therapists.
Perhaps the qualified facilitators in shadow work are too busy working one-to-one with clients to write e-books to sell on the Internet!
But don’t misunderstand me, I’m not dismissing the possibility that these things are very useful. In fact, I think they can be extremely useful.