How To Get Back Together With Your Ex Boyfriend or Girlfriend
One of the problems you’re going to have, is the tendency we all have to revert to the old patterns of behaviour that are so strong and powerful – in other words, your partner do something that triggers you, and before you know it, you’re reacting in just the same way that you always did.
This isn’t going to help your relationship! You know these things, because you probably use them – after all, you’re human! Tit-for-tat – a competitive strategy where you each try and outdo each other in terms of badness or misdemeanours or wrongdoings. Well, you get the idea:
Poor Relationships Communication
Blaming rather than listening – when your partner says something important to them about the way you’re interacting with them you don’t respond by giving them space to speak considering what they’re saying, you just launch an attack straight back
Powerplay – where the main objective of your relationship appears to be to be the one who is always right, the one who knows best, or the one who “wins”
You did this, I did that – another strategy where you try and blame your partner for what they did when they’re talking about the way you behaved.
Escalating – where the trivial discussion becomes a major argument, apparently of its own accord, without you quite knowing how it happened
Dirty tricks department – where you deliberately play dirty by hitting your partner in the most vulnerable areas of their psyche
Taking the moral high ground – pretending the your the innocent party, and that you’ve done no wrong
Uncontrolled anger – a reaction which never helps calm things down!
Pointing out your partner’s failings – telling your partner what’s wrong with them is never gonna help lead to a rational discussion
Calling for support – enlisting other people, either physically, or in their absence, to support the argument that you’re putting forward about your partner’s failings and inadequacies
Quoting from the past – it may be true, but recalling things that happened years ago is not can help establish harmony in the present
Sullen and silent – just being sullen and silent the opposite of what you need to have an intimate relationship which is, in case you’ve forgotten, open and honest communication
Blaming – I told you that would happen if you did that, and you didn’t listen; it’s a common line in relationships but it’s not a very helpful one
Indirect attacks – another common strategy where people can’t say what they’re feeling directly, making unpleasant digs and offering putdowns at your partner, particularly in the presence of others, is very destructive
Storing things up and then letting the floodgates open – usually happens because you’re not brave enough to say something until you have a certain level of anger propelling you, at which point you lose control say far too much, that becomes damaging
You can identify many things that people do in relationships that are the opposite of open honest communication and not on the above list. Good heavens, you probably know about some of them yourself!
None of these add up to reflective listening or open and honest communication. So going back into a relationship with someone to whom you reacted in this way in the first place has a risk. Obviously, the risk is that unless you’ve grown, you going to behave in exactly the same way that you always did.
If you can take the time to think of an example of when you used each of these and any other strategies in relationship to put your partner down and browbeat, and you can consciously decide that you’re not going to do that anymore, you going to stand a much better chance of actually reaching the point of open and honest communication.
You see, a lot of what happens meet your ex is going to be down to your intention. What is it that you intend to do through rebuilding your relationship? Presumably, to have a harmonious and loving relationship? If you can set that clear intention, and then you can actually commit yourself wholeheartedly to doing whatever it takes to establish such a relationship, then your frame of mind is going to be a lot more likely to it about than if you’re vague and indecisive.
Another useful technique is mindfulness, aka living in the now – in other words, you can make a decision to step around the past, and what it’s legacy may be for you, and to take the time effort to live in the moment with your partner now.
Also, making some clear decisions about simple things like not discussing issues and problems at your first meeting after the breakup can really change the tone of the whole dynamic.
What this means is that apart from an agenda to get back together and fun and a positive experience, you need to go in to the meeting with your ex in a clean frame of mind, with your intentions clear at least yourself not to your ex.
What you don’t talk about when you first meet your ex-partner!
Presumably there were plenty of positive times in the relationship or you wouldn’t be getting back together! So this is one area of common ground that you can talk about – and of course talking about positive experiences you’ve had together may well work positively to rebuild trust and affection.
Now one of the things you may come across quite quickly is a desire in your ex to talk about what went wrong. It’s probably important to avoid that at this stage: which you can do by being very polite listening to them. Takes, and then suggesting that you meet again in the future to have a deeper discussion where you can pay more attention to your ex’s feelings and offer them the attention they deserve.
So that’s a kind of hook which will bait them into meeting you again. But the one thing that you need to keep in mind is that starting a discussion about what went wrong on your first meeting is almost certain to blight the chance of reconciliation and the probability of you getting over the breakup. It’s not going to help you, and it’s not really likely that such a discussion is going to go very well and lead to anything constructive. Apart from that, it can spoil the mood of your meeting.
One of the toughest parts of dating is sorting through all of the people that you can meet and figuring out which ones you should pursue more seriously. Every time that you go out on another date with the wrong man or woman, that is an opportunity that you are missing to look for the right one. It can help a lot to have a few questions in mind for how to get to know someone on a date so that you can learn who a person is much more quickly.
When you look at how your date is dressed, for example, you should ask yourself how you feel about what you see. The clothing that a person chooses for a date can say a lot about him or her, and there is no single right answer. One person might love to see that their date has put in a lot of effort, while another might worry that it hints that he or she is potentially high-maintenance.
There are also a few questions that you should direct to your date, and you should make sure to listen carefully to the answers. You want to think about not only what is being said, but also how it is being said as well.
You will always want to ask your date a few questions about his or her career and what it is like. You should never fall into the trap of being convinced that only people in one career or another will make a suitable mate. What is worth your attention, though, is how this person feels about that career and what he or she plans to do about it. You may feel strongly about being with someone who is driven by career ambition, or you might be interested in finding someone who is a little more laid back and interested in going on amazing adventure vacations.
Asking this type of question is a great way to figure out which camp a person falls into. You should also ask your date about how his or her day went. This is a great way to get a conversation rolling with something that is not too heavy of a topic, but still tells you a lot.
We all have our own level of interest in things like gossip and tolerance for things like complaining. What a person will share with you on a date hints at the type of things you could expect to be hearing about over the course of a longer relationship.
Having a few specific questions to get to know someone in mind is valuable because it also helps to get the conversation going in a way that can give you a real insight into a person. If you are both just nervous and talking about whatever comes to mind, you might end up wasting an entire evening on something trivial like what has happened on a television program recently.
These can be fun conversations to have, but you are better off if you can get a sense of who your date is quickly. That way, you can focus on only having future dates with the sort of people that you can see yourself building a future with.
Dating is a tough job where we need to try to find out as much as we can about a person quickly without ruining the mood by making it feel like it is turning into a job interview. If your questions are too obviously pragmatic, like coming out and asking something like “How old do you want to be when you get married?” you are likely to just kill the romance and scare a person away. When you are figuring out questions to get to know someone, you need to make sure that you keep it on a level that gives them the opportunity to express who they are.
One of the most important questions that you can ask is what the other person does as their primary occupation and how he or she feels about it. This will be school for some, while others will have an established career.
The details of the tasks involved are not as important as what the position says about your date. Is this a person who expresses a lot of ambition, or is work just a way to get enough money to adventure and have fun in other parts of life? It is usually best to look for someone whose attitude toward career is similar to your own.
You should also ask about close friends. Questions like “How long have you known your oldest friend?” or “What do you like most about your best friend?” can be a fun way to get a sense of what your date values in other people and what kind of non-romantic relationships are in this person’s life.
Some people look for loyalty and steadfastness while others are solely concerned with how much fun they can have with your friends. Either way, it is a good reflection of whether you are the type of person he or she is likely to find attractive as a companion.
It can also be great to ask about what a person does in his or her spare time. If you absolutely can not stand something like sports or reality television programs, you will want to know early if these things are the singular obsession of your date’s leisure hours. This can also be a good way to get a sense of an individual’s values. Knitters and other crafters often engage in their hobby because they value individuality and a personal touch, while people who play video games like the chance to have their skills constantly challenged.
The connecting thread among all good questions for a first date is that they give a person the opportunity to express a lot about who they are without demanding any information that feels like it is personal to the point of being inappropriate. It would feel weird to most of us to have a virtual stranger immediately ask how many children we would like to have. Read here what determines the success of a first date.
Asking something about whether your date grew up in a large or a small family, on the other hand, gives them a less direct opportunity to talk about family size and how they felt about it. This maintains a much more comfortable atmosphere where you each get to share as much information as you want, but nothing beyond the point where you are comfortable.
Establish Great Communication About Sex
One of the important things that men and women really need to get to grips with is communication about sex. For one thing when was the last time you reassured your female partner about her attractiveness in bed? The truth of the matter is that men are insensitive to women’s needs when it comes to sex, and very often women don’t express their needs in a way that men can respond to.
For example, men should really appreciate any effort that a woman makes to be sexy, because she’s actually trying hard to accommodate her man’s needs, as she see them — even if these in fact are not what he actually needs! Women see a big difference between having sex and making love; they also see a difference between sex and romance. And they certainly see a difference between desire and passion.
They attach emotion and meaning to sex: much beyond physical pleasure and gratification — they want intimacy, tenderness, soft words, attention, and the feeling that they mean something to the man who is making love to them. And of course while men want these things as well, the fact is that what they want mostly, perhaps more than anything else, is physical relief from the sexual tension they experience.
The reality of course is slightly different; patronising observations like “men think with the wrong head” don’t even begin to encompass the lack of understanding that women have about the sex drive and its intensity in men. Is it wrong for men to give women the romantic trappings that they want just so that they’ll have sex?
No! Of course not – it’s actually quite natural, it’s part of the seductive chase that men find incredibly rewarding and exciting. And I suspect that matter the women find it incredibly exciting and rewarding as well, but they just need to know with greater certainty that men are feeling attracted to them in a way that goes beyond physical release.
What about the question of having an orgasm? Well there’s nothing wrong with expecting a woman to have an orgasm, and indeed wanting her to have an orgasm, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with trying hard to make sure that a woman does have an orgasm.
However asking a woman if she’s had an orgasm is a definite no-no, because it’s a double bind for a woman. If she says no, then the man’s ego is destroyed, and if she says yes, when she hasn’t had one, she’s introducing an element of distrust and insincerity into the relationship.
Knowing how to make a woman climax is vitally important, there’s no doubt about that, but doing so must be done with sensitivity and care. Much of a woman’s ability to reach orgasm, to come, is in her head, and although being turned on mentally will enhance her ability to come physically, the fact of the matter is that she’ll need to be prepared with foreplay.
And anything that interferes with her transition into an orgasmic state will certainly be upsetting for her. So enquiring about how she’s doing just before she comes can instantly take her orgasm away from her. And the worst orgasm inhibitor for many women is asking her if she’s almost there. The truth of the matter is that men need to understand how women come, and they need to be sensitive to the fact that it’s a very different process in most women to the process for men.
So stop focusing on just giving a woman an orgasm: slow down so that she can focus on every sensitive nuance of the experience she’s having before she even gets to orgasm. And don’t forget, when you ask her if she’s come, she may well think that your inquiry is not about her welfare, but about your pleasure and satisfaction in knowing that you were able to make her orgasm.
That’s not terribly considerate or romantic for a woman, and it’s certainly not a great idea for a man to put his ego before his woman’s sexual satisfaction!
Consideration for the other persons needs is paramount in any relationship, regardless of whether or not you understand where they come form or why they have arisen. You simply are in no position to make judgments about your partner because you haven’t lived her experience. Harmony is established through tolerance and mutual respect, which can only flourish in an environment of acceptance and love.